Batman: Literary Triumph

     I am drawn to a specific type of story. I love Sherlock Holmes, Jason Bourne, The Count of Monte Cristo, Batman, and I recently read a novel called Shogun. All of the characters in these stories don't have a rags-to-riches tale. They aren't unwilling heroes, they aren't fulfilling some grand destiny, and they never rejected the call to be a hero. They start out strong, smart, talented and clever, and - with the exception of Sherlock - are terribly wronged. Be it by chance, conspiracy, or nature, each of the above men are thrown into a world they must adapt to, master, and then ultimately manipulate. I don't know why I like these stories so much;  it's probably an attraction to power at some level. But when you read through the above characters and titles, they are all well renowned works of fiction and literature. Sherlock lives on today, Bourne was Robert Ludlum's greatest triumph, The Count is considered a classic, and Shogun has its merits as well. Does Batman belong in that list?

Nothing about this guy isn't cool

     There's been a long, intellectual debate if comics can be art. I think they settled on "yes," though the answer wasn't that simple. But, more specifically, can a "superhero" by a triumph of literature? In general, I doubt it, with Batman, certainly.
     Like The Count of Monte Cristo, Batman was wronged at a young age, trained and learned in solitude, inhereted a buttload of money, returned home in a disguise and was loved and famous. Like Jason Bourne, his family was taken from him and he broke down. Like Sherlock, he has an encyclopedic knowledge and understanding of the world around him and solves crimes on higher plane than the police. (Actually, I think the Batman story borrowed heavily from all of those characters, as well as Zorro.)
     My fascination with Batman began at a young age. I liked his cool cave, fast car, and that he threw batarangs. He was in a simply perfect cartoon that caught me at the right age. But I was also into Spider-man and Superman and The Ninja Turtles when I was young, and all of those interests have essentially faded (meaning I don't express them in public too often). But I still find Batman very compelling.
     He's terribly human. He fails all the time. He once had a Robin die under his watch (there have been multiple Robins, each less gay than his predecessor). Another partner was paralyzed by The Joker. He's been tricked and manipulated by women he loved. He's had his back literally broken by a nemesis. He has to live with these failures and deal with them daily, and they play with his mind and are a backdrop for every decision he makes. Reading his stories is very similar to reading about more respected characters from literature's annals.

This blog exists to justify more cool pictures

     He's not like other superheroes. Superman is fun because you get to see just how strong he is. But every comic kind of has to one-up the previous comic. He lifts a car, then a plane, then a boat, then a building, then an asteroid. He once saved the whole universe by restarting its energy or something. Pretty soon you realize that to make Superman interesting, he has to be an idiot. He has super strength and speed, but somehow decides to stop and talk, real close, to the bad guy with kryptonite behind his back. Superman's stories lose their hold after a while, because of course he's going to win. His dog is stronger and smarter than all of us.
     I could go on and on. In fact I plan to, some other time(s). I think Batman is worth reading, simply because he's downright interesting. Not just in a "wow he just beat up 17 people!!" way, but simply as a character with flaws, depth and struggles.

     If you'd like to try reading some Batman, the "graphic novel" (fancy term for "collection of comics") called Batman: Hush is phenomenal. The artwork is stunning, the characters and plot move fast, and the story is very clever. Go sit in Borders Barnes and Noble, buy a coffee and read it.
     (I like to believe that if you buy a drink you aren't stealing so much as paying for a service.)

Worth reading

Reconnecting With Old Flames

     I'm not sure how to go about interacting with previous girlfriends (or girls that I liked, or - much more common - girls that were in love with me). Today I came across three ladies that I used to be quite fond of.  Emily, Natalie, and Martie are their names, and we ran into each other in a garage - working on cars - of all places.

     You might know them as The Dixie Chicks.

     My fondness of The Dixie Chicks is more akin to stockholm syndrome than true affection. For my first two years of highschool, I spent nearly all of my time in the backseat of my older sister's car. She was invariably driving and giggling with her friend Lindsey, and they listened to a lot of those chicks from Dixie. I had no choice.
     I did not like them. They were girly and whiny and annoying. Incubus was just soooo much better. But, as it always happens, there was one song that on one day I found funny. That song where Earl has to die. (After rewatching that video, that's Jenna Maroney from 30Rock playing the, um, murderer!!)
     I would perk up when Goodbye Earl would play. Then I started to like Sin Wagon. Soon, I too felt readreadyreadyready ready to run, because all I was ready to do was have some fun. I don't know if I can name any other songs, but I bet if one came on I could sing along with it, and would enjoy it.

     So my poor friend and I are in his shop working on my car, which isn't starting everytime anymore. It also locks itself. Anyways, I am one the phone with the parts shop, looking for a solenoid coil to put in the starter. You know, man stuff. I'm talking with the guy at Knecht's (probably named Earl) and all of a sudden Wide Open Spaces comes on the radio (I can name that one too). I tell my friend, without thinking, "I love the Dixie Chicks," which I am sure the guy on the other end overheard. Nothing like manly car working while professing emotions for that early 2000's girls band.

     I would like to add that Ashley and Lindsey laughed about the dumbest stuff. They'd need gas and start laughing. Again?! We just bought gas yesterday!! They'd drive into a gas station, and say let's see if we can pay for a quarter of gas!? The gas-man would come up and they'd hand him a quarter, ask for regular, and do their patented spit-take laughs. When the guy gave them their gas, they'd drive off and say ohmygosh he thought we were so weird. Laughing all the way.
     I swear we spent like half an hour a day at gas stations. I'd offer to pay a few bucks just so I wouldn't learn the gas-man's names. I had a lot of fun with those girls, though. They'd let me ride with them to football games, and if it was an away game we'd get there by halftime (it's hard finding North Eugene). We'd pick up six thousand people to take to young life club. Sometimes a song they loved would come on and we'd jump out of the car and start dancing. I wouldn't trade those two years for three or four of those years, no sir.

     Other things-of-yore that I have rediscovered: 
     The tv show Scrubs. It is still great in its early seasons. My college roommates and I watched this show more than any other.
     Seeing things. I got glasses again. They are a bit crooked though. I always feel bad making those glasses people at the store try and fit my crooked ears over and over and over again, so I leave and say thanks. Unfortunately, I sprung for the super bendy frames, so I can't correct them myself. Also, they are transition lenses which are kind of embarrassing when I walk indoors on a sunny day.
     Video game music from when I was young. I think that one is self explanatory.
     Naps.

     Other things that could go into a list:
     Trampolines.
     Board games. I like playing them a lot, and luckily I have a lot of friends that do too. It's fun that there are lots of good games that aren't the boring "family" games that I grew up with. I hope I never have to play Sorry again.
     Minivans. Why on earth does my wife want a minivan for our one child? It's a bit early, right?
     Trucks. We need a truck!
     

Stuff That Happened To Me Today

     I subbed at the high school today for the first time in like two months.I've learned a couple of tricks in my last couple subbing adventures that I'd like to share with you.

     If the class has no homework assigned, I will lie to them. I should point out, I lie to students all the time. It's one of my main teaching strategies. I tell students I like them when I don't or that I don't like them when I do, or that their test is going to be hard when it's easy, or that I once hit a squirrel in the face with a rock. Things like that. Well, if the class doesn't have any homework, it's because they have a test that day. So I tell the students, "After you finish your test I'll put the homework on the board." When they all finish the test, I say, "You know, you worked real hard on that test and were a good class, so I am just not going to assign the homework. If your teacher has any issue with that, she can take it up with me."

     You should see the smiles on these kids' faces. They call me a hero and applaud me and give me high-fives and handshakes. It's wonderful.

     I wanted to feel that feeling more often. The feeling of being more-than-tolerated. So now, when classes do have homework, I lie. Say they are supposed to do problems 25 - 45 odd. I will write on the board "Page 312, problems 25 - 45 odd, 53 - 61 odd. Then, after a few moments, say, "no, that's too long," and erase the made-up stuff. They get much more confused and stressed, and aren't really relieved or proud of me at all, but I am still having fun. I think that's what matters most.

     I've always been kind of fascinated that I can just say stuff and people do it. Not even in teaching, but in life in general. I have a pathological addiction to lying, I think, kind of like the janitor. Everything written here is totally true, though.

     Another sub trick, although it is really more like a life trick, happens when reading names. I'll read, out loud, about 130 names a day when I sub, and I always feel bad for the kids that always have their names pronounced wrong. I've learned that you are much more likely to say a name right if you say it as fast as you possibly can. This works especially well with Asian names, if I am allowed to say that. Also, I will somewhat randomly alternate between first and last names, so that if a person has one name I am comfortable with I can say it and not look like I am singling anybody out. Still, I really butchered like 5 names today...

     I was walking Wyatt around the loop trying to get him to fall asleep. After a few laps, I burped, then he burped, then he farted and I farted before he was done farting. Then he peed.

     

Take My Advice: Read The Bourne Identity

One of my favorite books AND movies

     The Bourne Ultimatum was on TV last night (New Year's Eve), right around midnight. I know this because I was at a totally awesome party with lots of fun, beautiful people all night long and we were having a great time. That's how I know. The Bourne Ultimatum is one of my favorite movies, so much so that I've already mentioned it twice before in other posts. I'd like to discuss the person of Jason Bourne now, if you don't mind.
     Jason Bourne is one of my favorite characters in fiction. Batman, Sherlock and Bourne round out my top three. All three of them are independent, brilliant and have skills honed specifically for their respective fields. All three of them use disguises, can tell if someone is lying, are physically imposing, and are masters of manipulating those around them. I essentially view them as fictionalized versions of myself, really.

     One of the most pretentious sentences uttered in the English language is "I liked it but the book was better." (It's right up there with having a British accent.) Of course the book was better. The book didn't have to be 90 minutes long, the book was able to leave characters and images up to your imagination, the book has some sort of narration explaining what's going on, and the book has tons of other advantages as well. The book is always better.

Matt Damon actually fits the
description of Jason Boure very well

     In The Bourne Identity, Jason Bourne wakes up on a boat and can't remember who he is. He knows that he can fight and that he can speak several languages and that he was shot in the back, but that's it. Both the book and the movie (by the same name) have this in common. And from there, Jason Bourne tries to figure out who he is while running from the police and the CIA and falling in love with a girl.
     The above paragraph contains everything the two mediums (book and movie) have in common. It is essentially the entire movie, but only scratches the surface of the book. The book is the most complex, layered, exhilarating spy thriller I have ever read (and I have read at least five spy books!). Jason Bourne does everything in the above paragraph, but is also running from another assassin that he was originally trained to kill. He's a master of disguises, has several identities that other people know and he can't remember (so he makes them up on the fly and runs with it), can tell when people are lying, and can read the signs of the CIA and Interpol throughout society that we'd never be aware of. Trust me, it is absurdly fun and it should be the next book you read. The book is always better, and I pretty much read it in one night in my hammock one summer.

     Disparities between books and their movie counterparts often frustrate people. If you've read and loved The Lord of the Rings, then the movies probably had omissions and additions that really irritated you. This doesn't really bother me, though. I don't get frustrated when a movie isn't like the book, because I've chosen to treat the movie as a separate story.
     So, The Bourne Identity movie is a fun, smart, quick thriller that has the same basic premise as it's book counterpart, but shares little else in common. The second and third movies (Bourne Supremacy and Ultimatum) have literally nothing in common with the books beyond the character Jason Bourne. I don't find this irritating, in fact I love it. Instead of having three Bourne books and three movies about those books, it's like I have 6 different, wonderful stories that take place in this world. In the same way, I liked the two Sherlock Holmes movies with Robert Downey Jr. because they took parts of some Sherlock stories and played with them. They are new adventures for me to consume and enjoy.

     A word of warning: After you read The Bourne Identity, you will read Supremacy and Ultimatum (both aren't as good, but they're still fun), and then you'll want more. You'll do some research and find that a guy named Eric Van Lustbader wrote two more Bourne books (Legacy and, winning the award for the least inspired title ever, Conspiracy), and be tempted to read them. I read The Bourne Legacy and it is atrocious. It is one of the worst books I have ever read, and certainly the worst book that I have started and finished that wasn't for school. Maybe two cool things happen total, the author pulls out a trope-heavy son that Jason has and is a bad guy spy, and I have to pretend like it didn't happen (sort of like that 4th Indiana Jones movie or the second and third Matrix movies).
     I don't read a lot. Maybe two or three books a year, and most of them in a summer. So don't think that I am well-read or actually know what I am talking about. But The Bourne Identity is worth reading, trust me.

Fantasy Sports = Dungeons and Dragons

     I am about to write at length about topics I have never actually experienced on my own. I have been invited to join several fantasy football and fantasy basketball teams and decline every time. I decline because I tend to to obsess over things, and I know that if I started doing fantasy sports I would never stop. That obsessiveness is the same reason I never picked up World of Warcraft, the computer game that ruins lives, wrecks marriages and has actually killed people from playing it too much. Once I started playing it, I would never stop. I also have never played Dungeons and Dragons, but that's only because no one ever invited me to...

World of Warcraft = Dungeons and Dragons = Fantasy Football

     There was a time - a short, brief period a long time ago - when video games were for nerds and geeks only. This was before my time. Video games used to be text based, and involve exploring dungeons, finding treasure and weapons and being a hero. You would read some information like You enter the dungeon and see a torch, a skull and some bats. There are doors to the north and west. Then you type something like "grab skull" or "eat bats" and the game progresses until you die (which happens often) or you get to the dragon. So, basically, it was a computerized version of Dungeons and Dragons, the ultimate geek game. These days the game World of Warcraft is almost exactly Dungeons and Dragons, just on the computer. It makes sense, then, that geeks and nerds and dorks enjoyed video games, and the big stupid mean jocks made fun of those that played them.
     Today, of course, every dude in the country loves video games. You can play sports or kill terrorists or hunt dinosaurs and do any and everything in-between. Video games are no longer for dorks. In fact, video games continue to be one of the fastest growing and most profitable industries in the country.

     Fantasy sports have also had astounding growth in popularity over the last decade or so. Fantasy football - where people pick players from different teams and combine their yards, points, tackles, receptions, first downs and hairstyles and add them up to see who won - continues to grow in popularity and profitability every year. Most people that play fantasy sports have several teams in several leagues and cost their employers billions in wasted work time.
     Guess what. Fantasy Football and Dungeons and Dragons are the same thing. I've already stated my case that Twilight = Girl Porn, let me try to convince you of this as well.
   
     Dungeons and Dragons gives people the opportunity to do what they probably do often anyways: pretend to be something they aren't. Pretend to be a hero, saving a hottie, and winning fame, renown and riches. It's also just plain fun. You don't have to be a stereo-typically lonely, sad teenager to want to be someone else. I think everyone has an idealized version of themselves with better jobs and more money and popular friends. D&D just turns that into a game.

Clay Matthews = Orc with a +2 Hairstyle of Anger

     Fantasy football allows guys to identify with the heroes of the gridiron in a way that is much more intimate than just rooting for them. When someone picks Adrian Peterson to be their running back, they are definitively stating a preference for that running back over all other running backs. When boys are young they often want to root for the best teams and the best players, because they feel they have some sort of claim or ownership to the victory. I was rooting for the Yankees and the Yankees won so I am superior as well. It's essentially a role-play, just like Dungeons and Dragons. For many people, that role-play continues into adulthood through sports - failed high school athletes trying to recall some glory years or missed opportunities.
     I don't think that all, or even most, people really think along those lines. I think most people find sports and feats of athleticism to be very entertaining, and whichever team is closest to you is probably on tv more so you probably follow them more closely. And I think most people do fantasy sports because they are fun and a good waste of time and a great way to keep in touch with friends (kind of like video games).

     The role-play aspect of D&D and FF aren't their only similarities. In fantasy football, participants try to field their best teams based on matchups. Say the Packers are playing the Tennessee Titans, who are known to give up a lot of sacks. A smart FF player would start Clay Matthews over some other linebacker in hopes he gets more sacks. And if you have two running backs, you'd start the one who is playing the worse run defense. In D&D (and role playing video games like World of Warcraft, which is essentially D&D in video game form), you have a bunch of swords to choose from, and you are going to pick the sword that does poison damage to fight the dragon that is weak against poison.
     Don't you see!? Defenses in football are like armor in D&D, and offenses in football are like weapons in D&D. Getting a stronger, sharper, more magical sword is like trading Matt Ryan for Tom Brady. You look forward into the NFL teams' schedules to see who they play and equip accordingly, just like you would if you are going to raid Medusa's Lair.
     Fantasy sports is Dungeons and Dragons which is World of Warcraft.

Ok, it's hard for me to reconcile this
image with the thesis of this post

     The internet and video games have changed all of this, but it's fundamentally the same. It used to be that fantasy sports and D&D was done on paper, slowly. Now fantasy sports is all online, and D&D has become WOW, like I stated earlier. People - smart people that used to play D&D - have realized that sports is really just a numbers game. Find people that have high probabilities of catching passes and gaining yards, get people with the best stats (like size, strength and speed), and combine them in such a way that your team is likely to beat other teams. Sports is just stats and data wrapped up in a fun, fast moving package of action. Just like video games.
     I think I can take this further, and I am assuming that most people that don't really care about WOW have stopped reading at this point, so I'm going to go for it. Each position on a football team is like a class in WOW. The quarterbacks are elves, obviously, the offensive linemen are trolls, the defensive linemen are goblins/orcs, the receivers/secondary are rangers, the runningbacks are dwarves? and the kickers are halflings. (Remember, I've never actually played WOW, D&D or football, so this might not be precise, but I bet you can clean it up).

     Right!? Fantasy Football = Dungeons and Dragons. One of those two is considered "cool" while the other isn't, but really, the demographics of both have merged with the internets.

Finishing The Sound of Music

Stupid movie, beautiful setting

     I have probably seen The Sound of Music seventeen times. I have certainly, without a doubt, seen it start to finish zero times. It was on TV this Christmas Eve, like it is every holiday, and I thought "maybe I'll watch it just to get it over with." Well, that lasted for about a song. Then, flipping through the channels three hours later it was still on!! It's like Lord of the Rings but without anything cool ever happening.
     So, having never seen the movie all the way through (or even close), here is what I think I have pieced together.

The problem with Maria? Has to be that haircut.

      Maria has some sort of problem that can't be solved. (I think that problem is probably her weird haircut, and the best way to solve it is to let her grow it out. That's how you solve the problem with Maria. Movie over.) Also, she's a nun who is babysitting for a man with a mean exterior but undoubtedly tender, fragile insides. They are in Austria and the Nazis are doing something. The dad is a captain for the Austrian army and has to go fight for the Nazis? They escape through the hills. In the meantime there is some musical contest that some guy is putting on? And the family is going to participate in it as a cover for their escape? Some girl is 16 going on 17. She likes some boy. The kids don't have new clothes so they wear drapes. They learn to love and laugh again through the magic of music. Oh! And the dad was married but she died but he is seeing this woman and then I guess something happens there too.

Okay, let's see if I can name all of the songs
     - the hills are alive
     - how do you solve a problem like maria
     - climb every mountain (sung by the most dramatic, weird sounding nun in history)
     - 16 going on 17
     - a few of my favorite things
     - a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down
     - do re mi (actually a pretty fun song and scene)
     - so long farewell alvederzane goodnight
     - eidelvise
   
     That's nine songs I can think of, but I am sure there must be 40. How on earth could there be a 6 hour musical with only nine songs? I bet Newsies had more songs than that. I bet I could name more than nine songs from Newsies (king of new york, seize the day, santa fe, the wake-up-and-get-to-work song, that gather up the masses the song they sing a couple of times okay that's just six), and I definitely know more songs from Wicked. What a long, painful move.

     

Musical Comedy

This post is basically a big long explanation of things I find funny. Maybe you'll find something you like?


I am an absolute sucker for musical comedy. Please note this is different from comedy musicals, with the dancing and the emotions and the stuff. I mean comedians that sing funny stuff.

The best at this is probably Flight of the Conchords. All of their comedy is through song, they sing lots of songs, and they sound good and are funny.

This song here isn't their funniest, but I think it's a good combination of funny and catchy. I will actually listen to it randomly because it is stuck in my head, even though I no longer laugh at it. Is that weird? I don't know. I listen to other, better songs (you know, just plan old songs for the sake of singing songs) for the same reason, right? I suppose when I listen to regular music I might have liked the message or lyrics the first few times, and now I just enjoy them. This is no different. Anyways.

I posted this one a while back, but I just can't get enough of it. It's Hugh Laurie, who did a lot of musical comedy pre-House. I think it's hilarious, but also fun to listen to.

(You should also look into his song "America")

Finally, if you haven't yet, you should watch Dr Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. It's got a weird name, I know, but it is very clever and quite funny. It's about a wannabe super-villain answering emails on his blog. Give a listen: (this actually is a musical, but, not the normal kind)

That's all. Go away.