I Got Married Young

     It wasn't super young. I was 21, but that's pretty young by today's standards. It's not like I was 17, or it was a shotgun wedding or anything. And the timing was right. I graduated from college and got married, nothing shocking about that.
     But still, it's young, right? And I don't think there were a lot of people that pegged me for the "marrying" type, by which I mean they thought I was immature. I would like to challenge their ideas of maturity, but that's for another time.
     Some people thought I was rushing in to it. Cara and I dated for 17 days before I told her we were going to get married. We set a date right after I informed her of our impending marriage, and we were married six months later. It was definitely adjustment for the people that knew me.

     For me it comes down to selfishness. From both a personal and religious standpoint, I think all decisions are ultimately judged by how selfish they are.

     I didn't give myself a chance to weigh my options with marriage. I was excited and ready and it was all so fun and so fast, that I never stopped to think "don't I have at least a couple more years of living with my roommates, playing video games, and not having responsibilities in me?" I didn't think about what I was giving up until I had already given it up.
     Well, when the fall and school rolled around again, I started thinking about it. My roommates were still living together, playing video games whenever they wanted to. My friends were all still on the same ultimate team, going to tournaments and having a great time. Was I missing out? I was in Corvallis with no friends, one wife, a student teaching position that wasn't a good fit and nothing to do. I had to analyze my position.
     I knew before I got married that the most important thing in my life was going to be my wife and my family. It would be more important than jobs, money, living location and fun. I don't think this is a culturally common mindset for a young man in college. If I had decided to postpone getting married to keep my independence train rolling, I would have been choosing my own well-being over my wife's, and that's not a healthy thing to do for a future marriage. That plants the seed in her mind that those other things are more important than her (which, had I made those decisions, they would have been), and no good can come of that.

     I am of the opinion, and have been for a long time, that the next stage of life is better than the previous one if you choose to make it that way. There tends to be an idea in society that the college years are as good as it gets. Sex is easy and fun, responsibilities are low, you are mostly free and encouraged to do all kinds of dumb things to get them out of your system and to have good stories to tell. Sure, that's all fine, but I would rather choose not to peak at any point in life, if I can help it.
     What I see happening is guys my age buy into the notion of the college glory days, to some degree. They think about the freedoms and fun they have when they are 21, and they want to be 21 forever. Or at least for as long as they can. America is a great place to have a bill-paying job, a few bars nearby an internet connection and an xbox with four controllers. The temptation to hold on to the golden years of college is so strong, and the ability to do it is so easy, why would someone give that up if they didn't have to? And since all these guys are making these decisions independently together, it's not like the women out there are getting snatched up. Date your girlfriend for a few years and see what happens. This is a selfish line of thought.

     But I don't think people are actually thinking along these lines. Guys aren't saying "there will always be women to marry so I am going to bide my time." I don't think a lot of people think like this at all -- long term, with someone else's interests and well-being at heart, even if they don't know this future someone.
     Either of those two options are selfish, however. Thinking "I can prolong my glory days" and not thinking about one's future, in terms of marriage, are both selfish approaches. You might be thinking "what if someone doesn't want to get married." If someone doesn't want to get married they should think about why.
My guess is, it is for selfish reasons. I guess I haven't taken the time to explain why I think generally selfish decisions are wrong (from a moral standpoint) but I'll deal with that another time. But I can share a common outcome of this train of thought.
     Guy doesn't want to get married, he's having too much fun. Guy keeps having fun for years and years. Soon this fun is less fun than it used to be. Guy tries harder to make it more fun again. Guy starts going bigger. Guy goes to Vegas, guy has reunion parties with college buds, guy keeps seeking fun. Guy is in his 30's wishing he was still 21. Guy might start to have a change of heart. Maybe he meets someone great, maybe he starts thinking about having kids, maybe he "thinks it's time," he and his girlfriend get married (or "take the next step," whatever it may look like), or maybe he thinks its time he start progressing in life. Guy gets married. Guy still wants that fun and freedom he had been clinging to for so long, so guy watches a lot of sports, hangs out with the guys, etc. Guy has kids. Guy is in his high 30's/40's with a wife and kids and a job and feels trapped. Where was the fun? Why did it have to stop? Wife isn't happy, guy isn't happy, divorce happens for any one of a billion reasons.

     Okay, that's painting in extremely broad strokes. It is also me putting my values and interpretations onto other people. I can do that because it is my blog. I don't expect everyone to have my values, and I am not saying that everyone should get married, and should get married today. I am saying that selfish approaches to life and decisions have long term consequences, and I am saying that you have to give up the desires of ultimate freedom, independence and fun to have a healthy marriage.

Versailles, outside Paris

     Again, I didn't have to deal with this when I got married, this desire to hang on to my fun. If I did, I would have made the same choices I did anyways. However, I did have to confront these ideas when Cara started talking seriously about having kids. Like, when she started putting dates on a calendar. I wanted to have kids, I just didn't want to have them right now. Why? Because I was having fun. Cara and I were having fun. We took a lot of vacations, would take random trips to the beach or Portland, we'd go see movies and play games with friends. We were saving money. None of these are bad things. I wanted to hold onto them. Still, I was being selfish.

I figure if I keep posting Wyatt pictures, ladies will keep reading

     Cara wanted children. She wanted to get pregnant before a certain time, for her health, the baby's health and she wanted a baby. I started thinking about my children, and how I wanted to be young and energetic when they were young and energetic, for their sake and mind. Waiting wasn't going to make any of those things better. I had to believe the next stage of life is better than the one I am currently in.
     It took me about two days to realize that the timing was right to have children, and that if I pushed it out I would be being selfish. I don't think two days is very long. I was able to do this quickly because I had already analyzed me thoughts and opinions about selfishness, and the systems of life stages, to know that this was the right choice. Yay for me.

     I got married before all of my friends. I had kids before almost all of them too. These are statements of fact, not boasts or suggestions. I don't think my life is how every life should look, mostly because they can't all be as lucky as I am. That would no longer be called luck but called normal. Don't go and get married because it is the thing to do at this stage in your life, or whatever stage you are in, but start thinking about the choices you are making. If they are selfish, recognize that and change them. It's worth it.