Self Scrutiny

I have an insecurity that I identified in myself a long time ago, and have been trying to get over: I don't like people seeing me learn something. I don't mind failing in front of people so much, it's the act of seeing me struggle to learn something that bothers me. For example, I have never been wakeboarding, but I absolutely love playing in the water. I've never wakeboarded because my friends had boats and had wakeboarded since they were little and were good at it, and if I, at the old, experienced age of 14, were to get on a board and try to gain a new skill in front of these experienced people, I would be so embarassed to not get up and do a flip on my first try (which I know they were all able to do). So here I am, 25, having never tried to wakeboard because of an insecurity I had when I was young, and now a lack of opportunity.

I learned that this is a very common thing for mathematicians, but I'm sure its for different reasons. Mathematicians throughout history board themselves up in their rooms and don't tell people what they are doing. They come out 6 years later with a simple, elegant proof of something seemingly innocuous (or obviously revolutionary) and everyone goes "huzzah!" Only later do people realize that poor Wolfgang von Genius was trapped in his room failing for years, with pages and pages of worthless scrap.

I want to come out of my room as a competent, finished product. I want people to see me able to wakeboard on my first try. This is why I will write a few blog posts before anyone reads it. Heaven forbid this blog be boring for a while. It's a flaw and an insecurity that I am working to overcome, but find less and less chances to do so.

So, if you want to go wakeboarding, surfing or tap dancing, lemme know.