The cereal aisle is not what it once was. Where there used to be dozens of brightly colored boxes vying for my attention like peacocks, there are now only several different types of the same brand. Sugar is being replaced by more grains and fruit. Taste is being sacrificed for perceived health.
Let's not kid ourselves though: breakfast cereal is not healthy. Cheerios and Raisin Bran aren't not healthy, but they have to advertise as being "part of this nutritious breakfast" with fruit, orange juice, wheat grass, dietary supplements and an a PX-90 video for a reason. So if I am going to have cereal, I want it to taste good. Otherwise, if I wanted to be healthy, I wouldn't eat anything at all ever, it seems.
Let's categorize and rank the best cereals before I tell you how utterly forgettable Frosted Toast Crunch is. In my mind the hierarchy is as such:
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| Oh man, can't you just feel the 90's all over this thing? |
The Legendary Limited Time Only Cereals: Disclaimer: all of these cereals might actually not be any good. But I had them so long ago, and never since, that they have stuck with me. I'd trade stock in Google for a bowl of Cinna-Crunch Pebbles, a Flintstones-themed combination of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (CTC) and Fruity Pebbles. I still long for French Toast Crunch, the syrupy version of CTC where the cereal was in the shape of little pieces of toast. French Toast Crunch came out every spring break-ish when I was in highschool, and it marked my holiday every time. Finally, Waffle Crisp may actually be my favorite cereal ever, I just don't know for sure because I can't find it anywhere even though the internet tells me it's still out there.
The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Level: Yes, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is the greatest achievement in the history of mankind. There, that's settled. However, its immortal status at the top of every day cereals has lead to aspiring young champions as well, specifically Cinnamon Life. (If you are noticing a certain theme, well, then you're not an idiot I guess.) Special K with Red Berries and Waffle Crisp (if it does in fact still exist) have reached these heights as well.
Foundational Cereals: These are the cereals that are fine on their own, but you would never eat them plain. Fruit, sugar, cinnamon, honey, other cereals and tabasco can all be mixed in to form a new taste sensation every morning. We're looking at Special K at the top, but Rice Krispies, Corn Flakes (
Second-Tier Delicious Cereals: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Trix, Lucky Charms, Capn Crunch (peanut butter over berries), Fruit Loops. Each of those cereals has its own quirk. I think a bowl of Trix smells like a gas station when I open it up. I love it. Whereas Fruit Loops reminds me of a construction site, don't ask me why. Both Trix and Capn Crunch will shred the roof of your mouth if you aren't careful. RPBC is delicious, but not eat-it-every-day-every-meal delicious like CTC.
Third Tier Delicious Cereals: AKA The Tasty Air Group: Honeycomb, Pops. I'll throw Golden Grahams in here because it needs to be mentioned.
So now, the reason you are here, I assume. Frosted Toast Crunch recently hit store shelves, and the verdict isn't pretty.
In my mind, there are three factors that make a terrific cereal: The taste of the cereal, the quality of the milk after finishing the cereal, and the snackability of the cereal when eaten plain. Cinnamon Toast Crunch earns the 7 out of 7 possible stars on all three counts. Cinnamon Life, my second favorite cereal, lacks in its snackability, for example, and RPBC, for whatever reason, does not leave behind a very savory milk bowl.
Tastiness of cereal: 2 out of 7 stars. It's just not that good. It doesn't taste sugary in a fun way, it's vanilla flavored with hints of cinnamon, which doesn't make a great milk-induced flavor. It's cut into the same perfect squares of joy like its namesake is, they just aren't dusted with little bits of heaven. It simply doesn't taste very good. It's not bad, like Cocoa Crispies or anything in a neutral-colored-box, but who wants to eat something that isn't bad?
Quality of milk: 3 out of 7 stars. The vanilla/cinnamon combo is passable when you drink it, but it needs to have ample time to soak up that goodness. I can think of a dozen cereals that taste better when drunk than this one.
Snackability: 7 out of 7 stars. This is the one redeeming factor of this cereal. Stick your hand in the box and eat a couple and it will taste delicious. It leaves a weird, kind-of-sticky white residue on you fingers that is qutie tasty as well. So if you want to purchase this cereal just for the heck of it, you'll at least be able to eat it all in some fashion.
Clearly, while only earning 12 out of 21 possible stars on my very scientific scale, this cereal is forgettable at best. You're welcome.
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