Prayer Without Ceasing

     I used to talk to God all the time. When I woke up, when I went to bed, and throughout my day I would tell Him what was going on, what I was thinking, and what I was thankful for. This was in middle school and early high school. I didn't know it at the time, but I had a really healthy, ideal prayer life. I think this was due to the fact that, at that time in my life, I had few friends and was a weird mix of shy and socially awkward. When I had no one else to talk to throughout my day, and really a lack of confidence in the idea of finding actual people to talk to, prayer was a natural resort for me.
     I can safely say I started high school with three friends, Mac, Josh and Jered. They were great friends and I had a lot of fun with them, but they also had their own things (swimming and football) and I spent most of my non-school time alone. Then things started to change. My funny, confident side grew tired of being stifled by my shy side. My older sister's friends seemed to enjoy me and like me as a peer instead of as a friend's little sibling. I remember the first time I cracked a joke to the class and everyone laughed and I thought "okay, I can be funny out loud."
     Suddenly I was making friends. I would see people and say hi to them, even talk to them, when walking through the halls. This was new to me. I had to work at it and get better at it. I started running conversations and interactions through my mind, analyzing them.
     I think this was when it changed. I started to think about myself and my strengths/weaknesses instead of talking with God throughout my day. I was growing selfish, honestly. With this selfishness I think the main thing I lost was my communication with God. I noticed the change. One time I walked out of a grocery store and had a thought like "I sure am funny," probably after a particularly sarcastic day of mine, and then almost immediately thought "huh, I haven't really talked to God today. In fact, I haven't talked to Him in a while." I missed the conversation and was aware that I missed it.

     Sometimes I will try to trace a line of thought I've had. It's a fun, challenging exercise. You know when you are thinking about something, say, work, and next thing you know you are thinking about ligers (not to be confused with tigons. How did you get from work to ligers? I try and remember what my connections were. Something like "I need to get to work early tomorrow to finish grading. Should I bike or should I drive? I'll drive. Which route is fastest at 7:00 am? Depends on the lights. I wish the city would release an app telling me the timing of the lights, so I could plan a route just as I start driving. Or better yet, let google maps do that. We could have a whole society of efficient, linked transportation. A bunch of batmobiles. Wow, Batman is so cool. Catwoman's in the next Batman movie. I wonder if she'll have a pet tiger or something. Tigers are also pretty cool. Did I bring my Detroit Tigers hat with me? Ligers are real. They seem like they would be fake but they are totally real." All I can remember is I was thinking about getting to work and now I am thinking about an absurd animal. I trace the conversation as best I can (and usually find all the links, you should try this sometime).
     This happens to me when I am praying all the time. I start praying with the intention of thanking God for lots of things, and all of a sudden I am drawing up The Annexation of Puerto Rico in my mind. These tangents weren't a problem when I was "praying without ceasing" because God was right there with me, agreeing every step of the way. "Yes, Grant my son," He'd say in His deep, all-knowing voice, "Boardwalk and Park Place are overrated when compared to the Greens." Now when I pray, I am starting and ending a conversation, and it seems rude or inadequate to get on so many tangents.

Wyatt often puts his arms up, straight in the air,
while sleeping or while awake. We like to say he
is always ready to worship. He's not doing it here.

     I've realized that I replaced my thinking from the one thing that is truly worthy of my praise to a bunch of things I think are cool (myself, friends and batman). In the process of me doing that, I lost my prayer-without-ceasing mindset, and it won't come back easily. Like trying to improve your posture, or trying to brush your teeth every day, it's a hard habit to get back into once it's gone. I've had days where I've told myself "let's try this again" and usually don't do too well. In fact, I feel like I can't do it anymore, as if it was a gift that I threw away.

     Now it's starting to really bother me. I was with my son Wyatt one morning - and I mean one disgustingly early morning - and prayed for him a little bit. Mid-prayer, I realized I hadn't prayed for him, or at all, in a couple of days. This really disturbed me. If there is anything I should be praying for it's the little ball of helplessness in my life. Why hadn't I prayed for him in a while? I think that the fact that I used to pray effortlessly, I didn't need a routine or system. Now that the effortlessness of it is gone, I need to either get it back or buckle down and commit.

     So, I guess there was something gained and something lost when I started to gain self confidence in high school. I wish I could have the best of both worlds, and if I could do it all over again I probably would, but here I am. I guess I just have another things to work towards.